The very last day of 2005

Tomorrow this hour we will be in 2006

what a year

We got married
I got a horse

The past month Ive been to the stables every day.
Of course

Nikita has been growing to like me. Yesterday she met me in the garden.

I've grown to love my husband even more.

And my husband have made an effort to break all bad habbits from the family. And he has gotten them in on this, now they are working on getting a real family without trash from the past.

On monday my mum and two sisters are leaving.
Something is telling me that 2006 will be chaning the life of several people in my life. Including my own.
In a positive way I will hope ;)

My mum will probably move here, as soon as we know this company is staying here. She is nearly granted a job here then.
My sister might join, the youngest one. We have been working on getting her to like this place enough to want to move here. All to make mums everyday a bit lighter.

We are considering buying a house next year. That is.. if we can be granted a loan...

so Im very exited when thinking about the next year

Happy new year everyone
Happy new year to my few very special friends, and to my beloved family.

Tsunami 2004

Can't help think about it

all the people in norway and sweden that died. All of those who survived and came home with a horrible experience in the luggage. What was left of it anyway

And I am horrified of how they act...

I see them complain about everything. How the government didnt do enough fast enough.

Well, no they didnt. That is why things like this is called a catastophy: you dont have resources to cope with them.
And yes, they could have done more, much faster

Still, I cant help feel that the survivors are ungrateful. Yes, they might have lost friends and loved ones in the tsunami. They got injured or chocked or both. Yes they DO have a very traumatic experience with them home.

BUT THEY COULD LEAVE!!!!! They could go home to their EXISTING home, and the EXISTING job, and the EXISTING hospitals and EXISTING food!
What about them still living there? They who CANNOT ESCAPE???

they complain about not getting any good help afterwards in the psyciatry.

THEY GET ANYTHING AT ALL!!!

They dont have to go around on the shore were their hous and ALL of the family was destroyed and killed? What about them who no longer have any jobs? No food? no parents down there?
What about them? THEY CANT FUCKING ESCAPE FROM IT?!?

God damn it, be a little greatful for what you guys have

And yes, I've been told I have no right to speak since I wasnt there.
Bullshit. I have every right in the world to have my opinnion. That is freedom of speech.
ANd yes, everyone who was there had a terrible experience, and got their life messed up or totally destroyed. I agnolige the pain and suffering to everyone.

But there are people who cant leave the place. Who get NO attention, no food, help, medicines or psychiatrist. I think they suffer more.

And you know what? They are the guys complaining the least. Could it be because the world is not listening? Because the journalist don't bother to ask them? maybe. But most of them asked have been conserned about how to help their family.

And the show goes on

So, the forum has litterally been glowing for a few days.
been very silent since me and hubby put a lit on it saying "hastjouren is off topic, from now on keep it to yourself"
Strange how it seems like ppl need to be able to tak shit about something before the bother to say something in a forum...

3-2-1- ACTION

MAN what a day.

Yesterday I remowed the website of hastjouren.org
I refuse to let my name be connected to that kind of activity anymore.
After that the internet forum have been litterally glowing!
loads of ppl have logged in to the forum to talk about what has happened. A few ppl have even joined the forum only to post their opinion.

of course I still havent gotten any horse. Lara is not comming to me. I have given up on that one.

The haflinger mare became TOO expencive too

But tomorrow evening I get a horse. A 16 year old warmblooded mare called Nikita Laday, whom Im getting for free. I dont even have to think about the pass!

MAN what a day!
So now I am awaiting the call from the stable owner so I can notify her that Im getting a horse tomorrow!

No haflinger mare

Gee, now Im really.. really.. pissed

well, not really pissed but .. yeah

No haflinger mare for me
The dealer wont go under 17 000 sek. And he wants ALL by May.
No chance. She is not worth 10K even, and I cant raise 17K when May comes.
The only other chance is to raice 8K for one year of hire, and THEN raise 17K more to buy her.
She is not worth 17K, she is not worth 25K either

So I wont buy her
greedy jerk

I'll go out there tho, and see if there are some other horses interresting to buy

The horse

It doesnt seem like Im getting this hotblooded mare anyway.
Cant get hold of the one having the horse. She wont take my calls. Never answers my emails, my sms, or call me back in any way.

So Im screwing that deal.

And Im getting a Haflinger Mare instead :D

day after the storm

So I feel empty

good feeling
and now the waiting start

we cleanced the air yesterday
so Why dont I feel ALL good?
why do I have the thought "when is the next time"?
"how long will it last this time?"

why do I expect this to happen again?

So now there is only the matter of my husbands best friend

sad to say, I dont have much respect for him at the moment
Honesty far too late, after treating one of my best friends very badly.
Honesty far too late, hurting my husband.
how can one forgive that?
Worst is, he has done this before. He still haven't learned.
Will he ever?

If he hurts my husband again, he'd be wize to stay away from me.

Rebirth

So the air have been clenced.

My 30th birthday

strange
I dont feel like 30 today
I dont really feel different from my 20th birthday

So today I turn 30. I cheated my dad for the pepper box he threatened to buy, since I got married 2 months ago

I got a nice neackles from my husband
heartshaped
:) Lovely I just love it

what thoughts do I make of my birthday today?
That most people seem to forget.
Not that it really matters bigtime, but it would be nice if someone threw me a party some day
Might still happen, my life has barely started yet

besides, birthdays are no different than other days
not anymore
my husband is not too good at baking, so I dont expect cakes on the bed in the morning
would be unrealistic anyway, since he is a zombie before 10.30, so he barely remembers his name :)
birthdays are magical when you are a kid. If your parents do it right of course
I remember days when I would wake up to cake, candles, singing and presents
and I remember days when I would wake up all by myself and come out to this huge pile of presents
the pile is decreasing a bit over the years, nowadays most things I wish for isnt really that BIG ;D

so..

Happy birthday to myself

Everything has a cosequence

For all one do, it is a consequence
SURPRICE!
All one say and all one do will affect someone else

For this moment, some people are doing stuff that affects me badly.
I am, at the moment, depressed. And the one I urged to talk to is SURPRICE, home from work.
of cource
because I decided to ask her about her actions

she will, of cource object, and come with more excuses.
But I will then tell her what I told her
that time with her ex
when she was hurt by the fact that he said ONE thing, but did another

"it is not the words he tells you that matters. That is the actions that he DO that will matter"

She agreed then. She did SOOO agree. Of course, because when I said this, I agreed with her

Now its the other way around.
her words say one thing. Her actions something else.
So
All her words wont matter
she tells me something else with her actions.

Frustration bubbeling in my blood

Sometimes its like im gonna burst. I get upset, angry, frustrated and irritated.
Like this one friend of mine, I offered her to read my book.
Wanted to send it to her at work.
No she didnt want that, she didnt have the wish to read something at work.
so I printed it out and sent it home with her so she could read it at home instead.
Last time I asked, some week ago, she still hadnt started reading it
she got it 4-5 weeks ago...

and yesterday, she didnt have the time to even talk to me at work because she was so busy reading another friends book. At work.

So I suppose everyone can add up two and two and guess how THAT makes me feel.

going to ask her today if she has started reading my book yet. If she hasnt, I am going to tell her it would be more pollite to just say "i dont want to read it"
because all I get out of this is a feeling of giving me excuses to NOT have to read my book anyway.

so why do all these people do all this to me, that they themselves are so pissed off by when OTHERS do that to THEM?
Am I not worth the same treatment as they are?
Or do they think its one rule for them and another one for me?
In that case, Im better off without friends.
Right this second I feel I have only two. One I am married to, the other one lives down in Skåne.
This feeling WILL change, I am fully aware of it, I know it is just a moment of total frustration, but still, this seem to happen more and more freaquent

And you have this incident with my friend and her.. ex or friend or master or something like that
He is behaving like a total jerk.
Je knew that ignoring her, not giving her a reason for not answering, would be the worst thing to do. She knew he sometimes needs time alone. She said time alone was no problem "just let me know you need time alone" she said. I think he sorta agreed to that.
And what does he do?
Decide that he needs time alone. And gives a fuck about letting her know he is alive, but needs time alone.
also pushing his problems to her by claiming all of this was because she had let him believe she was in love when they had agreed to no feelings or something.
HE was the one mentioning feelings. HE was the one dragging feelings into this relationship first.
and he had broke one promise: To let her know when something was bothering her that was conserning her or the relationship. He let her know after tormenting her with ignore for 3 days.
THEN he did the worst thing possible to her: ignoring her. The one thing that would make her dump someone in a flash.
Selfish son of a beast.

he has no honor. NO honor left.

My husband called him. He just wanted to know that his brother was alive.
And this.. scumbag.. looked at the phone.. saw it was his brother and teacher.. and refused to answer.
Reason: He was afraid to be yelled at because of the way he treaded my friend.

THAT would be the lowest, most selfish, most unrespectul treatment ever. He does not deserve my respect.

Tired

that's what I am
Tired to the center of my soul

Im so tired of all humans arround me. A few I can bare at this moment
Im so tired of all humans arround me that think they know better. That make me feel bad.
That make me feel like I should be ashamed because I should know better.
I couldnt care less weather they really mean this or not
Most of them making me feel bad are people complaining about the very same thing done to them, and they do that to me.

IM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS!

Do to others what you want others to do to you.
That means: make then feel bad, be arrogant, think you know better in all matters.
According to some people

"im sure it wasnt ment like that"
What the heck does it matter when I still get the experience that it IS, time after time again??

gah
To hell with all of them.

correction.
I dont want to pollute hell.
To Sahara dessert with them all. And take all Sahara dessert entities, animals, insects and such to another dessert so they dont have to be bothered.

No that is bad too, Sahara dessert is a place on earth, on Gaya, and I dont want to pollute Gaya either.
Just remove them totally from the history and existence.

I was supposed to be floating around in happiness due to finally getting my horse

GAH

*making dinner*

Horseowner

yeah, that's me
All of a sudden Im owning a horse
I am getting a warmblood mare called Lara Lady in the beginning of December

wow

what a present for both birthday AND xmas

I let this song speak for it self

Svikta igjen!

Vakna aleina hær,
en drøm som forsvaint.
Viska vest navne' dett,
stoiltheta braint.

Kaillere daga,
æ e'kje ensom,
æ spør;
træng æ dæ?
Va du en vænn?
Skam førr mæ,
svikta igjæn.

Træng ikkje længer no'n,
løftan du ga.
Treng ikkje ha dæ i arman meir,
løgnan du sa.
Kanskje vi elska,
kanskje du lekte en lek.
Treng æ dæ?
Va du en vænn?
Skam førr mæ?
Stoiltheta breinn?
Svikta igjæn...

Kaillere daga,
æ e'kje ensom,
æ spør;
Treng æ dæ?
Svikta igjen...

Sår som gror sakte tel,
minna som blør.
Hadde du planlagt ailt,
spelt skuespill før?
Håpe du tape sjøl,
får føle korr ond det gjør.

Treng'kje dæ,
va ingen vænn.
Skam førr mæ,
svikta igjæn....

Svikta igjæn...


- jørn hoel -

***

Worst part, this is not even for me. A friend of mine was massivly let down again. Because some dork was believing he was right in his illusions.

evil

how do one define evil?
How can I know evil from not-evil?
and whom would I be to judge?

I am honored

A friend of mine at work, rather good friend even if se only have talked for a short time,
She honored me with letting me read her book.

I feel greatful for the trust she showed me, and I did my best to read it with an open mind, so I could see potentiol problems. Since she wanted me to comment the story, I read it very thorougly.

The story is very good. She reminds me a bit of Lisbeth Phanke. The same silence, the same everyday action in the story. it is a rough scetch so I held back some comments about the floating. I imagine she will edit it a few more times anyway, so those were not needed. Besides she had commented that herself too.

She apreciated my sayings, I think, even told me she would edit the story at once.

I feel so happy, she gave me this trust, she valies my oppinion!

One of my books

Ive spent quite some time writing on one of my books

My first book was stitched together some years ago. I think I was around 20 or 21 when it was finished. It has the working title "kezan" and it started as a daydream on the bus to school when I was 15/16. I started writing it down as a short story. Quite good my classmates said, alltho they didnt have that great interest in horses.

I forgot it when I finished school, only to find it again when I intended school together with my best friend. I re-wrote it then, and continued writing. Before I knew it I had like 40 pages. In word. I decided I was to split it up into chapters and see where this would take me. And continued writing. And I ended up with an entire book about "me" and how I got to own my horse of my dreams.

And I wasnt done with that. I wrote a second book. Still about "me" and my horse.. and when I finished that, I started on the third one.
And while writing this, I transformed the notes from my roleplaying games to a novel as well.
And I started a fantacy book I called Nona for working title.

When I got sick, I stopped writing. For the last 3 years I havent been writing anything. A few weeks ago I was cleaning my desk, and I found the floppys with the novels and stories on. I managed to get them out and saved them on my PC. And I started writing again. The most secure sign I am well now.

I decided to leave the Kezan books be for the moment. The first two I allready had. The third one was so damaged I needed to start all over. 8 chapters in the trash can... just the same, I had fallen into a common trap for those writing: I had written myself into a blind gate. So I started the third book again, writing 2 chapters or so before I decided to put them all on ice and focus on my fantacy book Nona.
I decided so because I know those books are full of inconsistency and holes, and I need to edit it alot. And just to save me the problem of editing a whole lot of books, I'll just leave them be for now.

The roleplaying game is resting for the moment as well. I might start to write on it again, but I think I'll leave it for now.

And Nona...

The plot is about a young girl on the edge of becoming a woman, her name is Nona. She is to be a healer and a magician. In my worl, one is either a healer or a magician. It is quite normal to be a magician with some abilities as a healer or the other way around. But it is very rare to be equal of both AND be a very powerful magician and healer at the same time. Nona is VERY powerful and equal of both.

You have the legend of The Darkest Power and The Brightest Power creating the world together. The darkness wants to rule it all, like in all books you have the fight between good and evil. But in my story its not evil to be dark, or good to be bright. All is nesecary.
I decided that the bright power of life, of creation, it cannot change life, but it can create new life.
The dark power cannot create new life, but it can change life. So both is needed. The darkness doesnt understand that and does what it can to take over. the brightness had created the Child of Light, who is to bring total balance in the world.

And no, Nona is NOT that child *chuckles*

Anyway, Ive written quite a lot on that story by now. Some friends of mine tells me it is very good, and should have good chances of being published. It could be. Is it important to me to get published?
I dont think so

Do I care if others dislike or like my book? of course! Wouldnt everyone want to hear that they have created something good? that others will be just as produd of ones creation as one self? I would be really hurt to be told my story stinks.
I am well aware that it might be impossible, or at least very dificult to come through the needle eye. But I have this imagination that even if Im not good enoug to publish, It doesnt mean I stink. It simply means the world isnt ready for what I create. It might never be. It might be next year. Who knows?

I will finish my book. At least I will have great fun writing it. I might even be published. And If I do, I will remember those that supported me and pepped me into believing I CAN DO THIS

My dad

Tried to call my dad today. As soon as he heard it was me he started talking in codes
"i have to call you later. I have to get to my PC to check those plans"

Obviously his fiancee was precent. Obviously mentioning my name or talking to me was NOT a good idea. Obviosly war has broken out because I did not invite her to the wedding.. :/

so.. now I'll expect him to call me. Perhaps tonight after work.. wonder what he'll tell me....

Christamas preparation

And not before I was finished with my wedding, I jump on Christamas.

I actually started before the wedding planning christamas gifts...
but now I've started. Ive ordered the frames for the pictures. "everyone" will get a picture of us for a gift. Some close family and friends will get more than this as well

Ive made some qute stuff for wine bottles. Small Aprons for the bottles, one of them with tablecover to put underneeth the wine glasses.
And I made for my mum, a cover for the table so she can put out her Tarot cards on it. And a small bag in the same fabric to contain both the cloth and the cards. She got it allready, the day before yesterday, since she uses the cards very often.
She was also very pleased with the birthday present.

Im going to make some more aprons, I think. They are cute.

we have painted some small baskets. Im going to get clear paint or something on a spray box, buy some glasses with a lid, and I will paint on the glasses and cover it up so they can be hand washed. I will also paint some candle lights.
The baskets and glasses will be filled up with candy that I make myself.

I think this might be a briliant present for most.
*satisfied

Former friends

I started thinking about former friends the other day.

There are so many people I stopped keeping in touch with for various reasons.
Some of them I really dont have any good reasons for dropping the contact..
others.. hm, lets just say I have my reasons

There is this one dude.. I was supportive, a good friend, or so he said. He asked me to help him. He asked me for advice. And he asked me to be honest. When I was honest with him, in order to help him, he turned against me and told me to butt off out of his life and to stop intruding in peoples privacy. After he asked me to do just that. One can say I was a tad disapointed. I didnt tell him what he wanted to hear, and he didnt apreciate it.

I also had a friend who said she could be understanding when it came to my anxiety
Im not very hard troubled, but I did get some panic attacks
I used to cut myself before I got to know here but I managed to get hold of that. I started cutting myself after I got to know her again, after a very dificult time.. Later I was told she said I was just copy-cat, since she was cutting herself as well, and I just cut myself to get attention.
She told me I could talk to her about my anxiety. And when I did, all I heard what "and how do you think I've felt" etc.. like "what the heck are you complaining about, I have much more problems than you"..
that hurt

Of course she has more problems, she has bigger anxiety, she is BORN with it, and mine WILL go away in time.. but I was never told we had a competition. I just needed to tell someone about my problems, someone that would truly understand the illogical ways of anxiety, and whom better to talk to than someone else with the problem.. but I got the feeling I should shut up with my tiny blister of a problem...
The top of the iceberg was when I got to hear through others that she said I was just copying her to get attention with the cutting part.. like.. I told her I used to cut myself when I left my first boyfriend and got toghether with my second one.. she didnt know me by then

After this, I have had a hard time trusting people who say "you can always talk to me"
How can I after this?

several others I have just dropped contact with since they show no interrest in keeping in contact with me themselves.. I dont want to be the only one working with the friendship....

gah, this makes me depressed. Its friday, I am going to enjoy it now!

Friday and a wonderful Friday it is!

Well, its a week after my last apointment. I dont miss my apointments at all actually.

What did I learn from my psychiatrist? Actually, I have no idea

I dont think I learned anything new. Might be I learned something I had forgotten I knew
kinda remembered something

Was it in vain? Hell no
I did get ahead of my problems
kinda walking on the water instead of drowning.

Did I learn something new about myself? not really.
Instead, he confirmed the things I thought I knew about myself.
One could become self sentered perhaps, since he said so much good stuff about me directly to me
Precented it as facts

It could be facts. Or I could be a damn good actress. but somehow I dont think so.
The actresspart that is

besides thinking about this, I have spent my last week having my mum here for a visit. It has been very nice. She is less distressed now, I feel, since she got a very good reception from the company here. They are MOST interrested in having her here for work. If they would choose, she would start working NOW. If she hadnt had my youngest sister, she would want the same herself.

She was at a meeting today, checking out the posabilities for Silje here in Ljusdal. What kinda offers the management here has for multi handicapped children.
If that offer is good, she might move here before xmas. That is, if Silje is offered a place at the local school immediately after she arrives here, and if Silje can be pursuaded to move.

Right at this moment, she says she dont want to move. As long as she sticks to that, mum has to either ignore her wish and move anyway, or wait until March.

Waiting until March will probably be the safest choise anyway, since we will know more about T4H's situation here by then. Wouldnt be much help if mum moves here, and is without a job in april.
So, I would guess mum will wait until next spring anyway, just to be sure she actually has a job for longer than 6 months.

I'll chat with my mum later on today, and I'll know more about Siljes opportunities here in Ljusdal.. Hope for the best.

Last appointment

Last friday, I had my last appointment with the psychiatrist.
Or so we agreed.
I do have an openning until next summer if I want to call to make an appointment after all.

Am I satisfied? well both yes and no.
I feel like some of my problems are still there, only hidden.
even to myself.

he didnt succeed in his goal; to tear down my shelters inside.
he said maybe it wasnt needed after all.
he said I was a challenge, that educated him to another level. He also said he probably wouldnt meet anyone as remarkable as me

Does that make me feel happy? strong? Unique?

Well, at least the last one.

Am I strong? In other eyes perhaps. Inside I am as soft as a crab that just got out of its shell.
Could someone hurt me? more than likely. If I let them in

The last few years, Ive become almost impossible to get close to. To get within my walls is about impossble. I let a few ones in. Most stay outside, but with my inner circle of those I name friends.
And the big crowd is outsite my outer circle. Those I say hi to, those I talk to if the opportunity comes, they are my outer circle. Thos in the inner circle, those I seek to get to be with. A very small few of the lot.

Do I care about the ppl outsite my outer circle? hardly not. Depending on weather the person in question has some influense on someone in my outer or inner circle I mostly give a damn. I cant do anything to change anything anyway. Not without lowering the qualioty of what I can do for the chosen ones

Ive talket do my psychiatrist about all this.
I study mankind
to learn what I am. Or what I was supposed to be at least, since I'm not actually like mankind. If I were, they wouldnt reject me like they did.

I study mankind
I see how much of an animal the big mass is. How people struggle to be like everyone else. Like fex horses do, not to be thrown out of the flock.
Animals reject anything that is slightly different.
So people dress like everyone else, say the same words, speak in the same terms, have the same interrests
How boring!
we are humans, and humans should have raised abowe that animal instinct.

appearantly not.

I study 2nd world war. I dont want to be one of those denying that these things happen.
and the 2nd world war is exelent proof of the animal flock instingt that is far from extinct in human.

My pshychiatrist asked me "what do you think of evil, you have felt it on your skin"
I surprised him
I know nothing of evil, I answered, Ive never seen it up close
he was really lifting an eyebrow
"what about the incest thing? your abusive ex boyfriend?!"
"incest" i answered "is an instinct. Turned to the wrong direction. But it is the mating instinct. The fact that it is directed towards a child is sickness, not evil"
"my psychopat of a boyfriend, I see that as the male instinct a tad to far out. Lets take a silverback gorilla. When two of them meet, they try to psyke each other out. shouting, scaring each other. The one that is weakest is the one first starting the fysical fight itself, and if he is not scared enough, he will fight. And the one starting the fight is the one that will loose most of the time"
"my ex psyked me. When I wasnt scared anymore, he beat me. He lost. He was weaker"
I said

"that is not evil"
I said

He was silent for a while. Then he asked "then what is Evil for you then?"

I answered "Joseph Mengele"


and I never met him.

a different girl

Sometimes I feel alien

I want to help mankind. But mankind is too god damn arrogant to see they need help

the very few who do, does not always seek it. And those who do, seek help at the wrong places.

What is wrong with us humans? How can we not see the ones to trust or not?

New job

I did get the job btw. So Im advancing. Some say going backwards. Im leaving the best group for.. the best group..

Well, I will advance, at least in my own eyes. Around xmas and new year, I will move to the HP Kana team. I will take a part in the email support and be multiskilled agent. That will really give me what I need to get a callcenter job somewhere else.

If I want to move.

We'll see what happens.

Wednesday

the bitch apologised. Doesnt make her my friend.

Besides that it seems like im getting under the skin of a girl at work. She needs someone to trust, not that I intend to be that one, but it seems like she has chosen me.

Hope I can be worthy

And I was told a package I had given away some year ago, finally has come to its use. It has done the job. Wonderful, Baka :)

fuckups

So the bitch managed to poop in my garden.
Wonderful.

The bedroom is finished

Man Im so sore!
I ace all over, just like I didt after the very first times I was riding ;)

We redecorated the bedroom yesterday. We spent like 6 hours on it, excluding the small breaks here and there. Reason for that many hours was that my husband had problems with his hand. Very much pain, so I was left to do most of the work by myself.
He helped all he could tho. During the day his hands got a bit better, so I continued doing most the work, but he helped more.
He wanted to help more than I allowed him, but I reminded him about all the stuff we needed to carry in. Aaaah he said, I need my hands for that. True.

but now we're done. Its all the small bits and stuff, decorative stuff mostly, to get in there. All the furnitures are in there allready. Feels good to se something else but the blue stripes...

I get so happy by redecorating. Even tho its a pain in the ass to do, I love it, Even if I get pains the entire next day I still love it :)

And the plan is to redecorate the hall in 2 weeks. Maybe I'll wait some more before I take the hall...

Winds of changes

So
Today the bedroom is getting all brand new.
And my friend is getting some boxes to start packing.
She starts her new job the 10th of october.

At least she probably will be here on my husbands birthday.
Perhaps we should celebrate with her?

And she gets a fuzz from the grandmother of her daughter
She can never be good enough to that woman.
That woman is constantly nagging on her for something. Some small detail, something unthinkable or anything that pleases her to nag my friend about.
But this time my friend told her a few things back. In a pollite controlled manner.

About time. GO GIRL!
sometimes you are so DAMNED slow!

so enter the fight my dear, I will cover you! *lock and load*

strange day

Its strange. Today Im getting the new wallpapers. So I can redecorate the bedroom :)

and I applied for a new job. Rumours has it we'll know today who is getting the job

Next week my sister is coming.

The week after my mum.

That very same weekend I will redecorate the hall

This will be busy weeks!

Strange

Strange how things all of a sudden change. Here I was, feeling okish about my job, and all of a sudden I get a new offer.

I will not talk into details about the offer yet, but its kinda twisting my world upside down

Sunday

It is sunday morning. Rather late morning but still.
Fell asleep around 2. Or later. Too much pain to sleep for a while.
Listening to my husband enjoying himself in vendetta with a friend and her brother
Sometimes I consider paying for vendetta in order to join him there
But then again, we have AO to play together. Perhaps I should take a trip to Rubi-Ka today

I intend to just do what I want to do today. After all dishes are put away and Ive eaten breakfast

I WAS thinking about making lasagna for dinner today, but I really dont know If I can manage to make it by myself. Perhaps we'll just settle for somethin light eaten.

and tomorrow I'll be back at work. As Mrs Simonsen Vold
Gonna be kinda strange.

End for now
**

Lazy sunday. I got Victor for visit today. We watched The Shining. The mini-series, not the movie. we both like it now. Nice actually, its been a while since ive chattet so long with him

Well, off to make dinner now.

Not for you

You cant grasp me!

I know you are trying
I sence you outside my sphear

you cant grasp me!

I am not for you to hold.
I am not for you to even consider

you cannot have me
You cannot know me
I am not for you
not for anyone outside my choise

Why even try?

You cannot touch me
You cannot know what you are doing
You do not know who you are dealing with

So why die?

A friend is moving.

For some time Ive been spending a lot of time with one spesific friend. She was the one saying she'll never leave. Now she is leaving.
I know the reasons, something else would be odd, but its still rather strange.

The biggest problem, I think, Is that I dont really think she is leaving entirely on free will. I think someone destroyed this home for her, by bringing the past back to her in a way non of us expected.

lameness in Ljusdal again. thought we had got rid of all the jerks. All the time new ones fall in.

Ah well, just shows me to be very careful whom to trust.

At first she was happy with her choise.
She still is.
Just, she is a tad .. depressed. No wonder really. I know how much she wanted to stay here. We talked about getting a place together, her family and mine. Me getting a small farm, with a small house for rental, her renting it for a symbolic amount of money. Big enough for her and her daughter, and for her to have her sowing firm at home.

Seems like all those plans will have to rest for some time. Unless I move down there to realize the dreams where she moves to.

Thought IS kinda tempting. Where she moves, I wouldnt be far from a couple of new friends Ive made through the website I am webmastering.
Second, moving down there would make sure my husband would meet his brother rather often.
well, will just have to see whats happening.

And then Im married

I just finished my last post in the diary on the website we made for the wedding. Kinda strange that its all over now.
But it feels great to be married. All over it doesnt really feel any different than being engaged, just.. its different and yet not.
I am happy, I am content. We got loads of wonderful presents for the wedding. Lots of things we needed, and all of it things we wished for as well. And most important: almost everyone added some money as well, since we wished for money to buy a GREAT bed. Wich we have ordered, along with a sofa and a stressless.

So now I enter the world of a married woman.
Does this mean I cant have any fun? hell no! I enjoy life with my husband, and I intend to have fun as well :)

2 days left

And then its no more miss. Then I'll be Mrs Fredrik Vold.

I'll be married this time saturday. And I probably wont have time to blog anything. Kalima has made me the dress from a fairytale, and a wonderful suite for my husband to be. Man, it will most sertainly be quite a rush. Only thing that will be bigger, will be the birt of our first child.

And I think that is going to happen within the next 5 years or so. Depending how long it will take me to actually GET pregnant from when we start.. testing.. ;D

Ah well, now Im going to relax with a movie. See ya around guys

and yes kalima, if she gives me a reason to, I WILL get even. She wont know what hit her.. ;D

Thousands of wendings kvern around in my hau

well, thats part english, part norwegian, picked from The Julekalender. Some tv series sent in 1991 and Norway never recovered.

You know, some times I look at all these false people around me. Especially one, Lets call her C. She worked in my group this summer. Now she is in qualification. She is throwing shit about one of my best friends. She is probably throwing shit about me as well.

I wont go in details, since that will be throwing shit about HER, only difference being me throing the TRUE shit about her. Anyway, she is. Mudtalking. Really really bad.

Does it bother me to think she might talk bad about me? no
But it pisses me off that she is talking dirt about my friend.

so typical off me

besides, Im done riding El Zan Than for some time
and Tina wants me to ride Pålle again. After talking so much about how important it is that she is the only one riding him while riding for an instructor. After she got a boyfriend, that importance obviously dropped to nothing..

Ah well, these kids..

Today is friday

And soon its weekend.

Seems like ive added a stone to the path. Two ppl on the internet has made up a fight that has been going on for months. I think I have some part in it, since it was revealed during the talk, that a conversation I had with someone turning out to be one sides friend had something to do with the boy giving it a thougth.
so now they have made up.
Feels good, even tho its not really my problem.

besides that my daddy called. 8 times this year, its improving!
well after all, I AM getting married. Doesnt happen THAT often really.

wellwell
15 mins left at work, and Im home.. ;)
that is, in the stables

Even worse days

That be the days where I have to stay home from work. Luckily that doesnt happen too often. But today, when I woke up after about an hour or two of uneasy sleep, I figured I'd better stay home. I would be no use for ppl at work, since I had that terrible day yesterday, almost no sleep last night, and too much pain to have any spare energy to cope with lack of sleep. I would make a mess of everything I'd try to do today
So I stay home.

I dont want to talk about the pain I have, since I described it pretty good yesterday. It would be just repeating myself, so I wont. Instead, lets talk about pink elefants, and small green mice.

You know, I saw quite a few of those during the night.
Rather funny, since they all got scared of my cats.

So lets just say I kept a cat in my bed all night.
hehe
Cozy.

Now Im gonna relax a bit.


***

Just finished the budget for the salary incoming 25th of august
Man we have loads to pay
we are getting married 27th of august, an have like 5000 sek extra there
But it seems like its going pretty nifty around anyway, since estimated salary for us both is around 22K sek, and expences it estimated to be 19800 sek. leaving us with some money for food anyway.
phuh.

***

And improving yet again.
Turns out the bills for the minister, the church and pianist will arrive "some time during September"
Giving us the posabillity to pay those 2500 Nok on next salary! Leaving even MORE space in our budget!

Days like this

it is days like this that make me want to hit something. Nothing alive, but something allready dead. Like a pillow. Or the couch.

I wake up. Even before I open my eyes I feel it. Something trying to chew off my hips. And at the same time drilling up my spine and kicking my head.

yes, its a day like this. A day with RAIN. then, when I remove my earplugs, I even hear it, the rain. Drip drip drip. Rain rain rain.
so I figure, I have to work a bit to get out of bed. The pain is kinda eating me up, making me fight not to moan or scream for every step.

Byt, I know that once I get out of bed, it will get a bit better. I am always a bit stiff in the morning, but when muscles get used to move again, it will be better.
And so it is this time as well. Biting my toung not to scream I tear my body apart while getting up.
for the untrained eye I just get up.

My boyfriend is kinda close to coma this time a day so I doubt he realises my pain until he wakes up properly himself. Besides, its not really that much he can do, so we rarely talk together about my pain issue.

anyway, I get up. I stagger my way into the kitchen, feeding our lovely cats. I por the food bending as little as I can, and merely training is the reason for catfood actually ending up in the bowl and not on the entire floor. Im really good at aiming! :D

then, I go to the bathroom. Morning toilette is always a bit harder than normal these days.
Anyway, by now, Im starting to get going. Its not that hard to bend down to get things etc.
after washing my face, brushing my teeth, its time to get dresset. Now that's a challenge! first, bending down to the drawers to get the socks.. then actually putting them ON
and the pants.. all the bending is relly softening me up a tad, but it hurts.

so, when all this is done, I prepare lunch and coffee for myself and my BF. Thank god I did that yesterday, or else we would be really late for work today!

and out we go. Into the rain. the cold eats my pain for a while, but I know I will be hurting again when I sit at work shivering a bit. I get cold very easy since my muscles are very tence all the time, and days like this they are more tence than ever. So, Im the only one using a thick sweather at work. most others are using a thin sweather or tshirts.
and I get wet. Luckily I have a car. and I have my rain poncho in the car, so I wont get wet for long at least

and this is just the beginning of my day...

***

And it gets better. total misunderstanding with me and my BF, and it escalated to a fight. Wonderful..

I wanna go home :(

***

ok, so the fight has been cleared up long ago.
at this very moment it isnt raining either.
Still didnt make this day better so far. Im still at work, I still ace, and I still wanna go home.

*sigh*

Some days should be swapped early in the morning for a better one

The title Friends

Something I started thinking about just now

Friends.. like.. so many around me is calling everyone for their friend.
Even me. And some of them I dont even like or care to talk to. I swap some comments about weather and sickness, health and work. I never talk about the deeper thoughts within my mind. Like religion. Philosophy. Anything not babe'ish. And they call me friend. How can you be friend with someone when you dont have the slightest idea what is moving around in that gelly we call brain?
If they dont have the slightest idea what I am thinging about, what puzzles me, what I am talking about when I choose the subject myself, how can they claim to know me well enough to be my friend?

I figured that most people use the term "frend" like I use buddy or aquintence. Someone I know the first, maybe both names, I know where they work, and some of the things they like to talk about, but most of the times we dont have that much in common. for me, that is no friend. Thats a buddy. Work related or real life related, but still a buddy

Here I am

So, here I am

Popped into this world where I can rant my thoughts. That be new to me, yes
Will anyon listen?
Does anyone care?
I most sertainly dont. If people dont like my thoughts, they are free to leave. If they do, then great minds think alike. Or something like that.

I have since long stopped caring for mankind itself.
I study man, I see all the errors, and hope they are smaller in me than my kindsmen.
and I hope man will learn from the mistakes some day. I never give up hope
Until then, I fight hard to keep respect for people arround me. Like even the smalles tad of respect for the fact that the walking bodies around me contains Life. Life is magical, that is worth respecting.
Then, when I get closer to them, I make a judgement in my head. Are they worth respecting? yes? no? perhaps?
if yes, they have my respect. If no they dont. Simple as that

respect is nothin one has a right to by birth. It is something one earn. or give freely. I do not need to respect everyone around me. In fact, I dont even need to be polite. It just makes my life more simple if I actually am.
So I am

well, cynical or not, here I am. For those of you who care about my thoughts, feel fre to read them.
Otherwize I suggest you dont waste your time and leave for someone less cynical and harsh than me

enjoy