Last appointment

Last friday, I had my last appointment with the psychiatrist.
Or so we agreed.
I do have an openning until next summer if I want to call to make an appointment after all.

Am I satisfied? well both yes and no.
I feel like some of my problems are still there, only hidden.
even to myself.

he didnt succeed in his goal; to tear down my shelters inside.
he said maybe it wasnt needed after all.
he said I was a challenge, that educated him to another level. He also said he probably wouldnt meet anyone as remarkable as me

Does that make me feel happy? strong? Unique?

Well, at least the last one.

Am I strong? In other eyes perhaps. Inside I am as soft as a crab that just got out of its shell.
Could someone hurt me? more than likely. If I let them in

The last few years, Ive become almost impossible to get close to. To get within my walls is about impossble. I let a few ones in. Most stay outside, but with my inner circle of those I name friends.
And the big crowd is outsite my outer circle. Those I say hi to, those I talk to if the opportunity comes, they are my outer circle. Thos in the inner circle, those I seek to get to be with. A very small few of the lot.

Do I care about the ppl outsite my outer circle? hardly not. Depending on weather the person in question has some influense on someone in my outer or inner circle I mostly give a damn. I cant do anything to change anything anyway. Not without lowering the qualioty of what I can do for the chosen ones

Ive talket do my psychiatrist about all this.
I study mankind
to learn what I am. Or what I was supposed to be at least, since I'm not actually like mankind. If I were, they wouldnt reject me like they did.

I study mankind
I see how much of an animal the big mass is. How people struggle to be like everyone else. Like fex horses do, not to be thrown out of the flock.
Animals reject anything that is slightly different.
So people dress like everyone else, say the same words, speak in the same terms, have the same interrests
How boring!
we are humans, and humans should have raised abowe that animal instinct.

appearantly not.

I study 2nd world war. I dont want to be one of those denying that these things happen.
and the 2nd world war is exelent proof of the animal flock instingt that is far from extinct in human.

My pshychiatrist asked me "what do you think of evil, you have felt it on your skin"
I surprised him
I know nothing of evil, I answered, Ive never seen it up close
he was really lifting an eyebrow
"what about the incest thing? your abusive ex boyfriend?!"
"incest" i answered "is an instinct. Turned to the wrong direction. But it is the mating instinct. The fact that it is directed towards a child is sickness, not evil"
"my psychopat of a boyfriend, I see that as the male instinct a tad to far out. Lets take a silverback gorilla. When two of them meet, they try to psyke each other out. shouting, scaring each other. The one that is weakest is the one first starting the fysical fight itself, and if he is not scared enough, he will fight. And the one starting the fight is the one that will loose most of the time"
"my ex psyked me. When I wasnt scared anymore, he beat me. He lost. He was weaker"
I said

"that is not evil"
I said

He was silent for a while. Then he asked "then what is Evil for you then?"

I answered "Joseph Mengele"


and I never met him.