3-2-1- ACTION

MAN what a day.

Yesterday I remowed the website of hastjouren.org
I refuse to let my name be connected to that kind of activity anymore.
After that the internet forum have been litterally glowing!
loads of ppl have logged in to the forum to talk about what has happened. A few ppl have even joined the forum only to post their opinion.

of course I still havent gotten any horse. Lara is not comming to me. I have given up on that one.

The haflinger mare became TOO expencive too

But tomorrow evening I get a horse. A 16 year old warmblooded mare called Nikita Laday, whom Im getting for free. I dont even have to think about the pass!

MAN what a day!
So now I am awaiting the call from the stable owner so I can notify her that Im getting a horse tomorrow!

No haflinger mare

Gee, now Im really.. really.. pissed

well, not really pissed but .. yeah

No haflinger mare for me
The dealer wont go under 17 000 sek. And he wants ALL by May.
No chance. She is not worth 10K even, and I cant raise 17K when May comes.
The only other chance is to raice 8K for one year of hire, and THEN raise 17K more to buy her.
She is not worth 17K, she is not worth 25K either

So I wont buy her
greedy jerk

I'll go out there tho, and see if there are some other horses interresting to buy

The horse

It doesnt seem like Im getting this hotblooded mare anyway.
Cant get hold of the one having the horse. She wont take my calls. Never answers my emails, my sms, or call me back in any way.

So Im screwing that deal.

And Im getting a Haflinger Mare instead :D

day after the storm

So I feel empty

good feeling
and now the waiting start

we cleanced the air yesterday
so Why dont I feel ALL good?
why do I have the thought "when is the next time"?
"how long will it last this time?"

why do I expect this to happen again?

So now there is only the matter of my husbands best friend

sad to say, I dont have much respect for him at the moment
Honesty far too late, after treating one of my best friends very badly.
Honesty far too late, hurting my husband.
how can one forgive that?
Worst is, he has done this before. He still haven't learned.
Will he ever?

If he hurts my husband again, he'd be wize to stay away from me.

Rebirth

So the air have been clenced.

My 30th birthday

strange
I dont feel like 30 today
I dont really feel different from my 20th birthday

So today I turn 30. I cheated my dad for the pepper box he threatened to buy, since I got married 2 months ago

I got a nice neackles from my husband
heartshaped
:) Lovely I just love it

what thoughts do I make of my birthday today?
That most people seem to forget.
Not that it really matters bigtime, but it would be nice if someone threw me a party some day
Might still happen, my life has barely started yet

besides, birthdays are no different than other days
not anymore
my husband is not too good at baking, so I dont expect cakes on the bed in the morning
would be unrealistic anyway, since he is a zombie before 10.30, so he barely remembers his name :)
birthdays are magical when you are a kid. If your parents do it right of course
I remember days when I would wake up to cake, candles, singing and presents
and I remember days when I would wake up all by myself and come out to this huge pile of presents
the pile is decreasing a bit over the years, nowadays most things I wish for isnt really that BIG ;D

so..

Happy birthday to myself

Everything has a cosequence

For all one do, it is a consequence
SURPRICE!
All one say and all one do will affect someone else

For this moment, some people are doing stuff that affects me badly.
I am, at the moment, depressed. And the one I urged to talk to is SURPRICE, home from work.
of cource
because I decided to ask her about her actions

she will, of cource object, and come with more excuses.
But I will then tell her what I told her
that time with her ex
when she was hurt by the fact that he said ONE thing, but did another

"it is not the words he tells you that matters. That is the actions that he DO that will matter"

She agreed then. She did SOOO agree. Of course, because when I said this, I agreed with her

Now its the other way around.
her words say one thing. Her actions something else.
So
All her words wont matter
she tells me something else with her actions.

Frustration bubbeling in my blood

Sometimes its like im gonna burst. I get upset, angry, frustrated and irritated.
Like this one friend of mine, I offered her to read my book.
Wanted to send it to her at work.
No she didnt want that, she didnt have the wish to read something at work.
so I printed it out and sent it home with her so she could read it at home instead.
Last time I asked, some week ago, she still hadnt started reading it
she got it 4-5 weeks ago...

and yesterday, she didnt have the time to even talk to me at work because she was so busy reading another friends book. At work.

So I suppose everyone can add up two and two and guess how THAT makes me feel.

going to ask her today if she has started reading my book yet. If she hasnt, I am going to tell her it would be more pollite to just say "i dont want to read it"
because all I get out of this is a feeling of giving me excuses to NOT have to read my book anyway.

so why do all these people do all this to me, that they themselves are so pissed off by when OTHERS do that to THEM?
Am I not worth the same treatment as they are?
Or do they think its one rule for them and another one for me?
In that case, Im better off without friends.
Right this second I feel I have only two. One I am married to, the other one lives down in Skåne.
This feeling WILL change, I am fully aware of it, I know it is just a moment of total frustration, but still, this seem to happen more and more freaquent

And you have this incident with my friend and her.. ex or friend or master or something like that
He is behaving like a total jerk.
Je knew that ignoring her, not giving her a reason for not answering, would be the worst thing to do. She knew he sometimes needs time alone. She said time alone was no problem "just let me know you need time alone" she said. I think he sorta agreed to that.
And what does he do?
Decide that he needs time alone. And gives a fuck about letting her know he is alive, but needs time alone.
also pushing his problems to her by claiming all of this was because she had let him believe she was in love when they had agreed to no feelings or something.
HE was the one mentioning feelings. HE was the one dragging feelings into this relationship first.
and he had broke one promise: To let her know when something was bothering her that was conserning her or the relationship. He let her know after tormenting her with ignore for 3 days.
THEN he did the worst thing possible to her: ignoring her. The one thing that would make her dump someone in a flash.
Selfish son of a beast.

he has no honor. NO honor left.

My husband called him. He just wanted to know that his brother was alive.
And this.. scumbag.. looked at the phone.. saw it was his brother and teacher.. and refused to answer.
Reason: He was afraid to be yelled at because of the way he treaded my friend.

THAT would be the lowest, most selfish, most unrespectul treatment ever. He does not deserve my respect.

Tired

that's what I am
Tired to the center of my soul

Im so tired of all humans arround me. A few I can bare at this moment
Im so tired of all humans arround me that think they know better. That make me feel bad.
That make me feel like I should be ashamed because I should know better.
I couldnt care less weather they really mean this or not
Most of them making me feel bad are people complaining about the very same thing done to them, and they do that to me.

IM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS!

Do to others what you want others to do to you.
That means: make then feel bad, be arrogant, think you know better in all matters.
According to some people

"im sure it wasnt ment like that"
What the heck does it matter when I still get the experience that it IS, time after time again??

gah
To hell with all of them.

correction.
I dont want to pollute hell.
To Sahara dessert with them all. And take all Sahara dessert entities, animals, insects and such to another dessert so they dont have to be bothered.

No that is bad too, Sahara dessert is a place on earth, on Gaya, and I dont want to pollute Gaya either.
Just remove them totally from the history and existence.

I was supposed to be floating around in happiness due to finally getting my horse

GAH

*making dinner*

Horseowner

yeah, that's me
All of a sudden Im owning a horse
I am getting a warmblood mare called Lara Lady in the beginning of December

wow

what a present for both birthday AND xmas

I let this song speak for it self

Svikta igjen!

Vakna aleina hær,
en drøm som forsvaint.
Viska vest navne' dett,
stoiltheta braint.

Kaillere daga,
æ e'kje ensom,
æ spør;
træng æ dæ?
Va du en vænn?
Skam førr mæ,
svikta igjæn.

Træng ikkje længer no'n,
løftan du ga.
Treng ikkje ha dæ i arman meir,
løgnan du sa.
Kanskje vi elska,
kanskje du lekte en lek.
Treng æ dæ?
Va du en vænn?
Skam førr mæ?
Stoiltheta breinn?
Svikta igjæn...

Kaillere daga,
æ e'kje ensom,
æ spør;
Treng æ dæ?
Svikta igjen...

Sår som gror sakte tel,
minna som blør.
Hadde du planlagt ailt,
spelt skuespill før?
Håpe du tape sjøl,
får føle korr ond det gjør.

Treng'kje dæ,
va ingen vænn.
Skam førr mæ,
svikta igjæn....

Svikta igjæn...


- jørn hoel -

***

Worst part, this is not even for me. A friend of mine was massivly let down again. Because some dork was believing he was right in his illusions.

evil

how do one define evil?
How can I know evil from not-evil?
and whom would I be to judge?