A friend of mine at work, rather good friend even if se only have talked for a short time,
She honored me with letting me read her book.
I feel greatful for the trust she showed me, and I did my best to read it with an open mind, so I could see potentiol problems. Since she wanted me to comment the story, I read it very thorougly.
The story is very good. She reminds me a bit of Lisbeth Phanke. The same silence, the same everyday action in the story. it is a rough scetch so I held back some comments about the floating. I imagine she will edit it a few more times anyway, so those were not needed. Besides she had commented that herself too.
She apreciated my sayings, I think, even told me she would edit the story at once.
I feel so happy, she gave me this trust, she valies my oppinion!
28 October 2005
25 October 2005
One of my books
Ive spent quite some time writing on one of my books
My first book was stitched together some years ago. I think I was around 20 or 21 when it was finished. It has the working title "kezan" and it started as a daydream on the bus to school when I was 15/16. I started writing it down as a short story. Quite good my classmates said, alltho they didnt have that great interest in horses.
I forgot it when I finished school, only to find it again when I intended school together with my best friend. I re-wrote it then, and continued writing. Before I knew it I had like 40 pages. In word. I decided I was to split it up into chapters and see where this would take me. And continued writing. And I ended up with an entire book about "me" and how I got to own my horse of my dreams.
And I wasnt done with that. I wrote a second book. Still about "me" and my horse.. and when I finished that, I started on the third one.
And while writing this, I transformed the notes from my roleplaying games to a novel as well.
And I started a fantacy book I called Nona for working title.
When I got sick, I stopped writing. For the last 3 years I havent been writing anything. A few weeks ago I was cleaning my desk, and I found the floppys with the novels and stories on. I managed to get them out and saved them on my PC. And I started writing again. The most secure sign I am well now.
I decided to leave the Kezan books be for the moment. The first two I allready had. The third one was so damaged I needed to start all over. 8 chapters in the trash can... just the same, I had fallen into a common trap for those writing: I had written myself into a blind gate. So I started the third book again, writing 2 chapters or so before I decided to put them all on ice and focus on my fantacy book Nona.
I decided so because I know those books are full of inconsistency and holes, and I need to edit it alot. And just to save me the problem of editing a whole lot of books, I'll just leave them be for now.
The roleplaying game is resting for the moment as well. I might start to write on it again, but I think I'll leave it for now.
And Nona...
The plot is about a young girl on the edge of becoming a woman, her name is Nona. She is to be a healer and a magician. In my worl, one is either a healer or a magician. It is quite normal to be a magician with some abilities as a healer or the other way around. But it is very rare to be equal of both AND be a very powerful magician and healer at the same time. Nona is VERY powerful and equal of both.
You have the legend of The Darkest Power and The Brightest Power creating the world together. The darkness wants to rule it all, like in all books you have the fight between good and evil. But in my story its not evil to be dark, or good to be bright. All is nesecary.
I decided that the bright power of life, of creation, it cannot change life, but it can create new life.
The dark power cannot create new life, but it can change life. So both is needed. The darkness doesnt understand that and does what it can to take over. the brightness had created the Child of Light, who is to bring total balance in the world.
And no, Nona is NOT that child *chuckles*
Anyway, Ive written quite a lot on that story by now. Some friends of mine tells me it is very good, and should have good chances of being published. It could be. Is it important to me to get published?
I dont think so
Do I care if others dislike or like my book? of course! Wouldnt everyone want to hear that they have created something good? that others will be just as produd of ones creation as one self? I would be really hurt to be told my story stinks.
I am well aware that it might be impossible, or at least very dificult to come through the needle eye. But I have this imagination that even if Im not good enoug to publish, It doesnt mean I stink. It simply means the world isnt ready for what I create. It might never be. It might be next year. Who knows?
I will finish my book. At least I will have great fun writing it. I might even be published. And If I do, I will remember those that supported me and pepped me into believing I CAN DO THIS
My first book was stitched together some years ago. I think I was around 20 or 21 when it was finished. It has the working title "kezan" and it started as a daydream on the bus to school when I was 15/16. I started writing it down as a short story. Quite good my classmates said, alltho they didnt have that great interest in horses.
I forgot it when I finished school, only to find it again when I intended school together with my best friend. I re-wrote it then, and continued writing. Before I knew it I had like 40 pages. In word. I decided I was to split it up into chapters and see where this would take me. And continued writing. And I ended up with an entire book about "me" and how I got to own my horse of my dreams.
And I wasnt done with that. I wrote a second book. Still about "me" and my horse.. and when I finished that, I started on the third one.
And while writing this, I transformed the notes from my roleplaying games to a novel as well.
And I started a fantacy book I called Nona for working title.
When I got sick, I stopped writing. For the last 3 years I havent been writing anything. A few weeks ago I was cleaning my desk, and I found the floppys with the novels and stories on. I managed to get them out and saved them on my PC. And I started writing again. The most secure sign I am well now.
I decided to leave the Kezan books be for the moment. The first two I allready had. The third one was so damaged I needed to start all over. 8 chapters in the trash can... just the same, I had fallen into a common trap for those writing: I had written myself into a blind gate. So I started the third book again, writing 2 chapters or so before I decided to put them all on ice and focus on my fantacy book Nona.
I decided so because I know those books are full of inconsistency and holes, and I need to edit it alot. And just to save me the problem of editing a whole lot of books, I'll just leave them be for now.
The roleplaying game is resting for the moment as well. I might start to write on it again, but I think I'll leave it for now.
And Nona...
The plot is about a young girl on the edge of becoming a woman, her name is Nona. She is to be a healer and a magician. In my worl, one is either a healer or a magician. It is quite normal to be a magician with some abilities as a healer or the other way around. But it is very rare to be equal of both AND be a very powerful magician and healer at the same time. Nona is VERY powerful and equal of both.
You have the legend of The Darkest Power and The Brightest Power creating the world together. The darkness wants to rule it all, like in all books you have the fight between good and evil. But in my story its not evil to be dark, or good to be bright. All is nesecary.
I decided that the bright power of life, of creation, it cannot change life, but it can create new life.
The dark power cannot create new life, but it can change life. So both is needed. The darkness doesnt understand that and does what it can to take over. the brightness had created the Child of Light, who is to bring total balance in the world.
And no, Nona is NOT that child *chuckles*
Anyway, Ive written quite a lot on that story by now. Some friends of mine tells me it is very good, and should have good chances of being published. It could be. Is it important to me to get published?
I dont think so
Do I care if others dislike or like my book? of course! Wouldnt everyone want to hear that they have created something good? that others will be just as produd of ones creation as one self? I would be really hurt to be told my story stinks.
I am well aware that it might be impossible, or at least very dificult to come through the needle eye. But I have this imagination that even if Im not good enoug to publish, It doesnt mean I stink. It simply means the world isnt ready for what I create. It might never be. It might be next year. Who knows?
I will finish my book. At least I will have great fun writing it. I might even be published. And If I do, I will remember those that supported me and pepped me into believing I CAN DO THIS
14 October 2005
My dad
Tried to call my dad today. As soon as he heard it was me he started talking in codes
"i have to call you later. I have to get to my PC to check those plans"
Obviously his fiancee was precent. Obviously mentioning my name or talking to me was NOT a good idea. Obviosly war has broken out because I did not invite her to the wedding.. :/
so.. now I'll expect him to call me. Perhaps tonight after work.. wonder what he'll tell me....
"i have to call you later. I have to get to my PC to check those plans"
Obviously his fiancee was precent. Obviously mentioning my name or talking to me was NOT a good idea. Obviosly war has broken out because I did not invite her to the wedding.. :/
so.. now I'll expect him to call me. Perhaps tonight after work.. wonder what he'll tell me....
08 October 2005
Christamas preparation
And not before I was finished with my wedding, I jump on Christamas.
I actually started before the wedding planning christamas gifts...
but now I've started. Ive ordered the frames for the pictures. "everyone" will get a picture of us for a gift. Some close family and friends will get more than this as well
Ive made some qute stuff for wine bottles. Small Aprons for the bottles, one of them with tablecover to put underneeth the wine glasses.
And I made for my mum, a cover for the table so she can put out her Tarot cards on it. And a small bag in the same fabric to contain both the cloth and the cards. She got it allready, the day before yesterday, since she uses the cards very often.
She was also very pleased with the birthday present.
Im going to make some more aprons, I think. They are cute.
we have painted some small baskets. Im going to get clear paint or something on a spray box, buy some glasses with a lid, and I will paint on the glasses and cover it up so they can be hand washed. I will also paint some candle lights.
The baskets and glasses will be filled up with candy that I make myself.
I think this might be a briliant present for most.
*satisfied
I actually started before the wedding planning christamas gifts...
but now I've started. Ive ordered the frames for the pictures. "everyone" will get a picture of us for a gift. Some close family and friends will get more than this as well
Ive made some qute stuff for wine bottles. Small Aprons for the bottles, one of them with tablecover to put underneeth the wine glasses.
And I made for my mum, a cover for the table so she can put out her Tarot cards on it. And a small bag in the same fabric to contain both the cloth and the cards. She got it allready, the day before yesterday, since she uses the cards very often.
She was also very pleased with the birthday present.
Im going to make some more aprons, I think. They are cute.
we have painted some small baskets. Im going to get clear paint or something on a spray box, buy some glasses with a lid, and I will paint on the glasses and cover it up so they can be hand washed. I will also paint some candle lights.
The baskets and glasses will be filled up with candy that I make myself.
I think this might be a briliant present for most.
*satisfied
07 October 2005
Former friends
I started thinking about former friends the other day.
There are so many people I stopped keeping in touch with for various reasons.
Some of them I really dont have any good reasons for dropping the contact..
others.. hm, lets just say I have my reasons
There is this one dude.. I was supportive, a good friend, or so he said. He asked me to help him. He asked me for advice. And he asked me to be honest. When I was honest with him, in order to help him, he turned against me and told me to butt off out of his life and to stop intruding in peoples privacy. After he asked me to do just that. One can say I was a tad disapointed. I didnt tell him what he wanted to hear, and he didnt apreciate it.
I also had a friend who said she could be understanding when it came to my anxiety
Im not very hard troubled, but I did get some panic attacks
I used to cut myself before I got to know here but I managed to get hold of that. I started cutting myself after I got to know her again, after a very dificult time.. Later I was told she said I was just copy-cat, since she was cutting herself as well, and I just cut myself to get attention.
She told me I could talk to her about my anxiety. And when I did, all I heard what "and how do you think I've felt" etc.. like "what the heck are you complaining about, I have much more problems than you"..
that hurt
Of course she has more problems, she has bigger anxiety, she is BORN with it, and mine WILL go away in time.. but I was never told we had a competition. I just needed to tell someone about my problems, someone that would truly understand the illogical ways of anxiety, and whom better to talk to than someone else with the problem.. but I got the feeling I should shut up with my tiny blister of a problem...
The top of the iceberg was when I got to hear through others that she said I was just copying her to get attention with the cutting part.. like.. I told her I used to cut myself when I left my first boyfriend and got toghether with my second one.. she didnt know me by then
After this, I have had a hard time trusting people who say "you can always talk to me"
How can I after this?
several others I have just dropped contact with since they show no interrest in keeping in contact with me themselves.. I dont want to be the only one working with the friendship....
gah, this makes me depressed. Its friday, I am going to enjoy it now!
There are so many people I stopped keeping in touch with for various reasons.
Some of them I really dont have any good reasons for dropping the contact..
others.. hm, lets just say I have my reasons
There is this one dude.. I was supportive, a good friend, or so he said. He asked me to help him. He asked me for advice. And he asked me to be honest. When I was honest with him, in order to help him, he turned against me and told me to butt off out of his life and to stop intruding in peoples privacy. After he asked me to do just that. One can say I was a tad disapointed. I didnt tell him what he wanted to hear, and he didnt apreciate it.
I also had a friend who said she could be understanding when it came to my anxiety
Im not very hard troubled, but I did get some panic attacks
I used to cut myself before I got to know here but I managed to get hold of that. I started cutting myself after I got to know her again, after a very dificult time.. Later I was told she said I was just copy-cat, since she was cutting herself as well, and I just cut myself to get attention.
She told me I could talk to her about my anxiety. And when I did, all I heard what "and how do you think I've felt" etc.. like "what the heck are you complaining about, I have much more problems than you"..
that hurt
Of course she has more problems, she has bigger anxiety, she is BORN with it, and mine WILL go away in time.. but I was never told we had a competition. I just needed to tell someone about my problems, someone that would truly understand the illogical ways of anxiety, and whom better to talk to than someone else with the problem.. but I got the feeling I should shut up with my tiny blister of a problem...
The top of the iceberg was when I got to hear through others that she said I was just copying her to get attention with the cutting part.. like.. I told her I used to cut myself when I left my first boyfriend and got toghether with my second one.. she didnt know me by then
After this, I have had a hard time trusting people who say "you can always talk to me"
How can I after this?
several others I have just dropped contact with since they show no interrest in keeping in contact with me themselves.. I dont want to be the only one working with the friendship....
gah, this makes me depressed. Its friday, I am going to enjoy it now!
Friday and a wonderful Friday it is!
Well, its a week after my last apointment. I dont miss my apointments at all actually.
What did I learn from my psychiatrist? Actually, I have no idea
I dont think I learned anything new. Might be I learned something I had forgotten I knew
kinda remembered something
Was it in vain? Hell no
I did get ahead of my problems
kinda walking on the water instead of drowning.
Did I learn something new about myself? not really.
Instead, he confirmed the things I thought I knew about myself.
One could become self sentered perhaps, since he said so much good stuff about me directly to me
Precented it as facts
It could be facts. Or I could be a damn good actress. but somehow I dont think so.
The actresspart that is
besides thinking about this, I have spent my last week having my mum here for a visit. It has been very nice. She is less distressed now, I feel, since she got a very good reception from the company here. They are MOST interrested in having her here for work. If they would choose, she would start working NOW. If she hadnt had my youngest sister, she would want the same herself.
She was at a meeting today, checking out the posabilities for Silje here in Ljusdal. What kinda offers the management here has for multi handicapped children.
If that offer is good, she might move here before xmas. That is, if Silje is offered a place at the local school immediately after she arrives here, and if Silje can be pursuaded to move.
Right at this moment, she says she dont want to move. As long as she sticks to that, mum has to either ignore her wish and move anyway, or wait until March.
Waiting until March will probably be the safest choise anyway, since we will know more about T4H's situation here by then. Wouldnt be much help if mum moves here, and is without a job in april.
So, I would guess mum will wait until next spring anyway, just to be sure she actually has a job for longer than 6 months.
I'll chat with my mum later on today, and I'll know more about Siljes opportunities here in Ljusdal.. Hope for the best.
What did I learn from my psychiatrist? Actually, I have no idea
I dont think I learned anything new. Might be I learned something I had forgotten I knew
kinda remembered something
Was it in vain? Hell no
I did get ahead of my problems
kinda walking on the water instead of drowning.
Did I learn something new about myself? not really.
Instead, he confirmed the things I thought I knew about myself.
One could become self sentered perhaps, since he said so much good stuff about me directly to me
Precented it as facts
It could be facts. Or I could be a damn good actress. but somehow I dont think so.
The actresspart that is
besides thinking about this, I have spent my last week having my mum here for a visit. It has been very nice. She is less distressed now, I feel, since she got a very good reception from the company here. They are MOST interrested in having her here for work. If they would choose, she would start working NOW. If she hadnt had my youngest sister, she would want the same herself.
She was at a meeting today, checking out the posabilities for Silje here in Ljusdal. What kinda offers the management here has for multi handicapped children.
If that offer is good, she might move here before xmas. That is, if Silje is offered a place at the local school immediately after she arrives here, and if Silje can be pursuaded to move.
Right at this moment, she says she dont want to move. As long as she sticks to that, mum has to either ignore her wish and move anyway, or wait until March.
Waiting until March will probably be the safest choise anyway, since we will know more about T4H's situation here by then. Wouldnt be much help if mum moves here, and is without a job in april.
So, I would guess mum will wait until next spring anyway, just to be sure she actually has a job for longer than 6 months.
I'll chat with my mum later on today, and I'll know more about Siljes opportunities here in Ljusdal.. Hope for the best.
05 October 2005
Last appointment
Last friday, I had my last appointment with the psychiatrist.
Or so we agreed.
I do have an openning until next summer if I want to call to make an appointment after all.
Am I satisfied? well both yes and no.
I feel like some of my problems are still there, only hidden.
even to myself.
he didnt succeed in his goal; to tear down my shelters inside.
he said maybe it wasnt needed after all.
he said I was a challenge, that educated him to another level. He also said he probably wouldnt meet anyone as remarkable as me
Does that make me feel happy? strong? Unique?
Well, at least the last one.
Am I strong? In other eyes perhaps. Inside I am as soft as a crab that just got out of its shell.
Could someone hurt me? more than likely. If I let them in
The last few years, Ive become almost impossible to get close to. To get within my walls is about impossble. I let a few ones in. Most stay outside, but with my inner circle of those I name friends.
And the big crowd is outsite my outer circle. Those I say hi to, those I talk to if the opportunity comes, they are my outer circle. Thos in the inner circle, those I seek to get to be with. A very small few of the lot.
Do I care about the ppl outsite my outer circle? hardly not. Depending on weather the person in question has some influense on someone in my outer or inner circle I mostly give a damn. I cant do anything to change anything anyway. Not without lowering the qualioty of what I can do for the chosen ones
Ive talket do my psychiatrist about all this.
I study mankind
to learn what I am. Or what I was supposed to be at least, since I'm not actually like mankind. If I were, they wouldnt reject me like they did.
I study mankind
I see how much of an animal the big mass is. How people struggle to be like everyone else. Like fex horses do, not to be thrown out of the flock.
Animals reject anything that is slightly different.
So people dress like everyone else, say the same words, speak in the same terms, have the same interrests
How boring!
we are humans, and humans should have raised abowe that animal instinct.
appearantly not.
I study 2nd world war. I dont want to be one of those denying that these things happen.
and the 2nd world war is exelent proof of the animal flock instingt that is far from extinct in human.
My pshychiatrist asked me "what do you think of evil, you have felt it on your skin"
I surprised him
I know nothing of evil, I answered, Ive never seen it up close
he was really lifting an eyebrow
"what about the incest thing? your abusive ex boyfriend?!"
"incest" i answered "is an instinct. Turned to the wrong direction. But it is the mating instinct. The fact that it is directed towards a child is sickness, not evil"
"my psychopat of a boyfriend, I see that as the male instinct a tad to far out. Lets take a silverback gorilla. When two of them meet, they try to psyke each other out. shouting, scaring each other. The one that is weakest is the one first starting the fysical fight itself, and if he is not scared enough, he will fight. And the one starting the fight is the one that will loose most of the time"
"my ex psyked me. When I wasnt scared anymore, he beat me. He lost. He was weaker"
I said
"that is not evil"
I said
He was silent for a while. Then he asked "then what is Evil for you then?"
I answered "Joseph Mengele"
and I never met him.
Or so we agreed.
I do have an openning until next summer if I want to call to make an appointment after all.
Am I satisfied? well both yes and no.
I feel like some of my problems are still there, only hidden.
even to myself.
he didnt succeed in his goal; to tear down my shelters inside.
he said maybe it wasnt needed after all.
he said I was a challenge, that educated him to another level. He also said he probably wouldnt meet anyone as remarkable as me
Does that make me feel happy? strong? Unique?
Well, at least the last one.
Am I strong? In other eyes perhaps. Inside I am as soft as a crab that just got out of its shell.
Could someone hurt me? more than likely. If I let them in
The last few years, Ive become almost impossible to get close to. To get within my walls is about impossble. I let a few ones in. Most stay outside, but with my inner circle of those I name friends.
And the big crowd is outsite my outer circle. Those I say hi to, those I talk to if the opportunity comes, they are my outer circle. Thos in the inner circle, those I seek to get to be with. A very small few of the lot.
Do I care about the ppl outsite my outer circle? hardly not. Depending on weather the person in question has some influense on someone in my outer or inner circle I mostly give a damn. I cant do anything to change anything anyway. Not without lowering the qualioty of what I can do for the chosen ones
Ive talket do my psychiatrist about all this.
I study mankind
to learn what I am. Or what I was supposed to be at least, since I'm not actually like mankind. If I were, they wouldnt reject me like they did.
I study mankind
I see how much of an animal the big mass is. How people struggle to be like everyone else. Like fex horses do, not to be thrown out of the flock.
Animals reject anything that is slightly different.
So people dress like everyone else, say the same words, speak in the same terms, have the same interrests
How boring!
we are humans, and humans should have raised abowe that animal instinct.
appearantly not.
I study 2nd world war. I dont want to be one of those denying that these things happen.
and the 2nd world war is exelent proof of the animal flock instingt that is far from extinct in human.
My pshychiatrist asked me "what do you think of evil, you have felt it on your skin"
I surprised him
I know nothing of evil, I answered, Ive never seen it up close
he was really lifting an eyebrow
"what about the incest thing? your abusive ex boyfriend?!"
"incest" i answered "is an instinct. Turned to the wrong direction. But it is the mating instinct. The fact that it is directed towards a child is sickness, not evil"
"my psychopat of a boyfriend, I see that as the male instinct a tad to far out. Lets take a silverback gorilla. When two of them meet, they try to psyke each other out. shouting, scaring each other. The one that is weakest is the one first starting the fysical fight itself, and if he is not scared enough, he will fight. And the one starting the fight is the one that will loose most of the time"
"my ex psyked me. When I wasnt scared anymore, he beat me. He lost. He was weaker"
I said
"that is not evil"
I said
He was silent for a while. Then he asked "then what is Evil for you then?"
I answered "Joseph Mengele"
and I never met him.
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