......

For the past few weeks my husband has been helping out a friend.
I think that is great, wonderful that he can help (or we hope this is helpful at least)

Exept for one thing..
he sleeps with less quality
He aces all the time
he is grumpy all the time because of the pain

the acing is because he is walking a lot more now than he used to

and imagine who gets to feel all this grumpyness..


I hope this will improve soon..
I feel this is really not good for us..

*sigh*

I must defenately do something about my blabbering

I blabber.
So many tell me that, or makes jokes about it
Doesnt help when ppl say "but you talk about interresting stuff!" or "I love the fact that you talk alot, then I dont have to be allone about it"

When even my closest family say stuff like "like always, she doesnt say only one word" or something, thats it. I'll just have to learn to shut up..

I started this holiday actually
I noticed I shush even whithout thinking about it..
Together with his sister.. with his brother.. I was mostly quiet while others where talking
Im kinda tired of all the comments now.. I DO KNOW I TALK kinda.. I do have ears..
they actually work
so I can, believe it or not, hear my own voice..
At least I dont talk about wow and only wow like some other persons in my presence, but I just have to shut up now..

I dont want my kids to be know as "the kids of the blabberwoman" or something like that..

I also need to just throw away my personality when it comes to telling stuff and how I do it
I repeat myself, and more and more I get the reaction "yeah.. I know.. you told me allready.." even from my husband
It doesnt feel nice to tell stuff anymore

Sometimes I can go insane for nothing

I worried sick

Hubby was to walk a friend home. In writing hour it is more than 2 hours ago
He told me he should walk her home, and then return to work.
Considering it mostly takes about 20 mins down, I expected him back at work after about an hour

One hour passed, no sound from him
another 30 mins, still no sound

So, 10 mins ago, I called him. I got a bit annoyed to know he was just fine, he was sitting chatting with my friends fiancee, had decided together with his boss that it was no use for him to return to work so he stayed home.
And there I had been worrying sick for an hour? he didnt even let me know!
And worst of all, I got the feeling of destroying everything by calling him to check if he was ok.. :(
I have no clue what went wrong with that call, but whatever happend, its my fault, just for worrying when I didnt hear anything from him that "im home honney" or something like that..

And Im getting a cold so I allready did feel miserable before this happened

One happy spot in the day: I have helped to rescue a horse from sertain death. A horse needed a new home before friday, and I helped to find it.. always something...

The pain

Sometimes I want to cut away my entire body.

I get so tired of not having anything to show ppl I actually am not well
I cant even prove my sickness with some kind of seisure, bloodtest or anything else
it is not visual
no proof

I even envie some friends having anxiety problems, since they acutally SHOW
I HAD anxiety myself
people actually helped me when they saw my attacks
noone disbelieved me

And now?
Im just a whiner.. Nothing wrong with me of course! How can it be when nothing shows?

No wonder they look strangely at me when I sometimes utter a word of pain..